I'm a little down, but doing okay...

I keep getting asked, due to yesterday's news, if I'm okay. I think I am. This was so different from the AI's. With an AI, you don't know what happened, only what didn't. With the IVF, I saw the picture of the embroyos, the little life waiting to become a baby. It hurts more. It is more like a miscarriage must feel.

But, I'm still "young" (at least according to Cheryl) and we can try again, so I'm not down and out. We'll try again and if it doesn't work, we'll adopt, so if you're pregnant and you don't want the baby, send me an email, I'll raise it in a good home.

Anyway, yesterday, Cheryl picked up the film from our vacation. Yeah, we have a digital camera, but I think I take better shots with my old 35mm, so I took it with us. We actually still had pictures from Christmas 2004 on it!!!!

This'll be the very last time I let Cheryl pick up the film. She always goes through and gets rid of the out of focus shots or the ones too dark, but she got a burr up her butt yesterday and got rid of some because they showed the back of the boys' heads! Or, she didn't think we need the picture. Well, that is so NOT happening again!!!! Luckily, I always have a picture CD made, so I have a spare. And, aren't you all lucky, because I'm going to put up some of the shots in this post! (Just what you've been waiting for!)

Alex peaking down the hall

Danny gives himself a kiss. The boys just loved the hotel room's mirror!

Alex makes new friends!

Ales is supervising!

Can we go now? Danny asks.

At the Farm, Danny leads the way. He spent the whole day leading the way!

Danny and Grandma find a kitten.

Alex makes a new friend.

Danny makes a new friend. Later, when this pig ran in between Danny and Alex and squealed, both boys jumped!

Alex tries to climb the fence to get in the cage! That's my boy!!!!

Today

I just want to fall into a deep hole and never come up for air. I took my blood test today and no baby, not even a little one. Now, they want me to do a follow-up appointment and I just want to cry my eyes out. Here, I've been talking to the 3 embroyos for two weeks, hoping that they were listening and now, I just feel empty.

I wonder if it's me. Am I just not a good enough person to have a baby? Some mean, cold, heartless human being actually posted, on one of my sites where I had posted a message wondering if God wants me to be a mom or not, the following:

Maybe if you were faithful to God's commands he would bless you with a child. I mean, he did create men and women to procreate together. Since you have perverted the natural relationship he created in the very beginning, why would he bless your mess? Personally, I will pray he continues to prevent your empty womb. That child needs an environment that God intended - a mom and a dad.

Can you imagine anyone being so heartless and cold to actually pray another human being does not become a mother? Right at this very moment, if I had a gun and I knew who this person was, I'd kill them -- wait, no, I wouldn't need the gun. What a horrible, horrible thing to say and yet, now I'm filled with doubt, did this nasty person's prayers outweigh mine? Is this some minister or priest whom God thinks more of than me and so He granted his/her prayers over mine -- and the prayers of my friends, family and above all, my wife?

And, just what the Hell is wrong with me that I remembered this posting today or all days? That for one second, I'm actually taking it to heart? Am I really feeling that low?

For two weeks, I have refused the thought that I'm not preggers to cross my mind. I've refused to listen to any negativity. So, I'm giving myself today -- and maybe a part of tomorrow -- to mourn the loss of those three embroyos, but come Sunday, that's it. I'm only looking forward, not back. I'm concentrating on having a happy, healthy baby and nothing more. I am a good person and that nutcase is just that, a nutcase who should be ignored and pitied, not listened to and believed. God knows that I would make a good mother, not a perfect one, certainly not one as good as the mother of God, Mary, but I will be the best mom this world has ever seen. Maybe, He'll bless me with a biological child and maybe, He wants me to adopt, but I'm not giving up, so person who hates, wherever and whoever you are, I ain't broken yet -- nice try.

God Bless!

The Separation of Church and State.

The Separation of Church and State.  It is a very powerful term.  Our founding fathers clearly meant that we would have no state mandated religion.  We, as American men (as women didn't count for much in those days), would not be forced to worship in anyone's church.  The founding fathers felt that this idea of freedom, extending from religion to the press to the right of protest was so highly valued that it is first on the list of amendments:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Now, in the long run, the separation of church and state has extended to the government does not tax church property and income.  Further, for individuals (and if I'm wrong, I'm sure you'll correct me), this extends that any income from church related activities (provided you are a minister, pastor or such) is not taxed.

BUT, the wrong wing goes on and on about how there shouldn't be a separation of church and state.  We're a Christian nation, they say.  Well, then, I say, let's tax the churches -- property tax especially.  Salaries for pastors, ministers, etc. tax them too.

No separation of church and state should mean -- NO SEPARATION!

God Bless

My Bad...

Happy Birthday, Kim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And

Happy Birthday, Jarred!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are we really safer now?

Whenever a discussion about National Security happens between a right-winger and a left-winger, the right-winger always says something like this:  Bush is doing an excellent job.  We haven't had a terrorist attack since 9/11. 

Really?  And, that's because of Bush?

I don't think so.

On 2/26/1993, the World Trade Center was "bombed" by men who were backed by al-Qaeda.  The bombing killed 6 people and injured over a thousand more.  Our government "protected" us for another 8 years from al-Qaeda, until the planes flew into the towers and the Pentagon.

Did the Clinton administration do enough?  Looking back, no it didn't.  But, did we as Americans care?  No, we were too worried about where Clinton was sticking his penis than about some guy name Bin Laden.

Should we feel safe as a nation because the Bush administration is protecting us?

No, we shouldn't.  There are those people out there who hate our guts.  It doesn't matter what we do, what we say, they will always want to destroy us.  Will they succeed?

No way.  Bomb a few buildings, kill some of our citizens, but America will never die -- NEVER.  We're more than just steel.  We're the ideal country.  Do we have flaws?  Yeah, we sure do, but if I was given a million dollars tomorrow and told I could live anywhere in the world, I'd just buy a bigger house here in my adopted home state of Wisconsin.

Wouldn't you?

God Bless

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SCOTT!!!!!

Today, 36 years ago, my parents presented me with a little brother, Scott Allen Totsch. So, rather than write a blog with which he won't agree anyway, I'll just wish him a Happy Birthday!

More Thoughts

Life is an interesting thing... I have placed the picture the doctor gave me of the three embroyos on the fridge. Each morning, I touch it and say a little prayer that the kids are on their way to becoming babies. When they told me that one of the embroyos (there had been four) didn't make it, I actually cried a little. It was like losing a part of me. Strange feeling for someone who doesn't think of an embroyo as a baby. I think that the view changes when you're trying to have one of your own.

In the news, I keep seeing stories about step-parents killing children, boyfriends shaking babies to death or last week two different instances of babies stolen from their mothers -- one survived and one didn't. I just wonder what the hell is wrong with people? I mean, I can understand that desire to be a parent, but not to the point where I would harm someone else to get one. I would hope that if I ever felt that way I would go and get the help I need.

Then, personally, I have a friend who if he doesn't seek help, he's going to lose the best part of his life -- his family. So, here's a piece of advice for people out there having difficulties. If your kids don't want to be around you and your spouse repeatedly finds fault with your behavior -- too much drinking or spending money. If your friends are telling you to get help, you might want to listen. You might want to search around until you find a doctor who can help. You might need medicine or you might not, but you can't level off the highs and lows by yourself. Trust me on this. Get the help you need. NOW, before it's too late.

Oh and if you're thinking the world would be a better place without you, GET HELP NOW.

God Bless.

Playskool Does the Right Thing...

Playskool is recalling Team Talkin' Tool Bench toy because two children -- one 19 months and the other two years -- suffocated on parts from the toy. I send out my heartfelt sympathy to the families who lost their children.

I applaud Playskool for being proactive in recalling the toy, but I wonder why parents don't read the age requirements on children's toys. When buying Christmas presents for Danny and Alex last year, Cheryl and I read the instructions on each box. We made sure that we did not buy one toy that would not be age appropriate for them. I know that Kim, after receiving the gifts, did not give them to the boys until after she did her own check and research on them.

I know that most parents do not have a lot of time, but making sure your child isn't playing with a toy that is beyond their age should be a priority. Keeping our children safe is a must for all of us. Grandparents, make sure you're proactive in not giving little Johnny or Jenny a toy that isn't intended for children of an older age. As grandparents, we should be the first line of defense to assist our children in keeping our grandchildren safe.

God Bless

An Open Letter to Ford CEO Alan R. Mulally

Dear Mr. Mulally,

First, congratulations on getting the CEO position at Ford. I know that you have done an amazing job at Boeing keeping it afloat in very hard times. Since Ford is so far down on the car food chain, you will definitely need to work your magic once again.

Second, I'd like to offer some pointers on just why I'm not going to buy a Ford this year and quite possibly next year.

1. Gas mileage. Yes, I realize that gas prices are dropping, but it still costs me more than $30 to fill my tank. I drive a 2000 Suzuki Vitara which gives me a lot of room, along with pretty good gas mileage. The last time I even looked at Ford's gas mileage, I was better off sticking with Suzie.
2. The Ford Focus. My daughter has one and whenever we trade vehicles, I hate driving it. There's plenty of leg room in the front, but the roof seems to come down and gives me the feeling that I'm smushed.
3. Speaking of room, even the big cars and SUVs don't really offer a lot of room. Sure they look good, but whenever I sit in the backseat, my legs are cramped. If Ford could fix this, perhaps I'd buy one.
4. Price, Price and Price. Look, I don't want to spend $20,000 on a car or mini SUV. I want bells and whistles (power locks, power brakes, allover airbags, cruise control, air conditioning, automatic transmission) and I want it for $15,000.
5. Suzie, my aforementioned Suzuki, has nearly 150,000 miles on her. And, she's still going strong. The most I've ever driven an American car is 120,000 miles and then it blew up. Can you build me a Ford I can drive to the 200,000 mile mark? I know Toyota can.
   
6. The website. I want a price now, not have to wait for some dealer who's going to bug the hell out of me for days to give me a price. I want to know BEFORE I go to the lot just what's out there and what I should be paying.
7. Henry Ford was a known anti-semite and I want to know that Ford is distancing themselves from him. I want to know that you've given money to Jewish causes.
   

You fix these things, Mr. Mulally, and I just might be presuaded to buy a Ford.

I wish you all the best at Ford, Mr. Mulally. I hope you can turn around the company that basically started it all.

God Bless,

Julie

More News...

Sorry I haven't been around much. I've been a little busy. First, I'm trying to set up my six books blog on it's own website. This'll give me a little more freedom. It has caused a few issues as the new setup with my hosting company is different from the setup I have for Top of My Head. But, I give Hostek a lot of credit. They never once said it's a problem between you and Blogger and just give up. Their technical support continued working with me until we finally figured out the issue was my ftp user permissions.

Next, the implantation was this past weekend. Three embroyos survived the process and all three were implanted. Now, I've been having dreams about having triplets, but that's okay. I won't know if I'm pregnant until October 1, so I'm looking forward to carrying one, two or three children. I think 2 boys and a girl would be perfect -- and not because I think boys are easier to raise -- they're just cheaper! :-)

Finally, with school taking up whatever time I have left (oh and work), I haven't had a chance to even keep up with the news! I'm way behind on reading my US News & World Reports, Business Weeks and Wall Street Journals! Not to mention just our local paper.

Anyway, I read in a Business Week from a few weeks ago a blurb about Stephon Marbury. He plays for the New York Knicks and he's pretty upset about the high cost of high-quality sneakers. So, he and the Steve & Barry retailer are coming out with Starbury One sneakers. They will sell for $14.98. Hey, I'm all for that! The cost of these designer sneakers have gotten out of hand when they cost, as Marbury is quoted as saying, the same as "groceries for the week." Plus, when they are so expensive, kids are killing each other for them -- it's time someone does the responsible thing. Anyway, kudos to Mr. Marbury. I hope they are a great success. So, I guess I'll be buying some shoes this weekend.

God Bless

IVF

Just thought I'd update you on the IVF process. First, we vacationed in Door County and I had to return to Milwaukee three different times to have ultrasounds. That's a 6 hour drive roundtrip.

Next, last Tuesday I received the news that I had managed to produce 5 eggs -- this is great news because as of Sunday, they had only seen 2 viable eggs.

Then, we scheduled the retrieval for this past Thursday. Boy, was that an event! Cheryl and I arrived and they're running late. Not unusual, as fertility waits for nothing! Anyway, off with all the jewelry, into a gown and bam! I'm sitting with some doctor named Brian, whose going to stick me with an IV and off to lala land I will go! He said, "You'll feel a little dizzy and a little loopy after you wake up!" Like how in the Hell is that any different from how I normally am?!? Then, he says, "Are you having any pain today?" And, I tell him, "No, I left my pain in the ass in the waiting room!" I had him in stitches!

Well, no sooner than Dr. Robb walks in than boom, I'm out like a light. I had really strange dreams and I heard someone say something about 7. Then, I wake up and a Dr. Mark something is standing next to my bed. Nice guy this Dr. Mark. He tells me we've got 8. And, all I can think is 8 what? And, just who the hell is he? Well, he must be used to loopy women, because he smiled at me and told me again that they had retrieved 8 eggs and he would be taking care of them for me. So, I told him he better take good care of my babies and then he left.

Dr. Strawn stopped by and I told him there were 8 and he said I was a regular Easter bunny.

Well, I was loopy for the rest of the day, but like I said, how can I tell the difference?

Anyway, tomorrow morning, they will implant some of the embryos. We have four as of yesterday.

God Bless

CNN

So, I'm checking out the headlines at CNN.com and I notice under Entertainment the following headline:
"Clooney, Nobel winner demand Darfur action".

Under ENTERTAINMENT?!? Why is the horror in Darfur listed under Entertainment? The Nobel Prize winner mentioned in the headline is Elie Wiesel (a hero of mine). When Wiesel talks, the world ought to be listening, not banishing it to the ENTERTAINMENT section of news.

We've all ready made the mistake -- the entire world -- for letting Darfur go on as long as it has. We will as a group be punished by God Himself for not feeding, clothing, healing and protecting those in Darfur. Could we not pretend this is nothing more than the launch of a new movie?

God Bless

Quick Thought...

I've been reading the the Republicans are proclaiming that they are tough on terrorism because there has not been one attack on American soil in five years. Well, I don't think that is truly something to brag about. After the World Trade Center was attacked in 1993 there wasn't another outside source attack on American soil until 2001. And, I don't call that a success story, because our leaders then ignored the signs that allowed 9/11 to occur. I don't think these terrorist groups are organized well enough to plan another attack as quickly.


God Bless

I voted this am -- did you?

Real quick as I'm now back at work and need to get busy, but I voted this morning and let me tell you, I'm a little disappointed. What's the point of having a primary if no one is running against you? There were very few seats that had more than one candidate running for them no matter which party you went with. I looked through them all.

Sad state of affairs if you ask me.

Anyway, even so, it is still important to take the time to vote. It is not just a right, it is our duty as American Citizens.

God Bless

I Love Being a Grandma...

Today nearly every single television show mentioned that today is the fifth anniversary of 9/11. I'm probably a selfish person, but I don't want to watch the planes hit the towers again. I don't want to relive that day again. It was horrible.

What I do want to do is post some more pictures of my grandsons. Our vacation is over and tomorrow I go back to my day to day life and won't get to see them for another month. I miss them all ready and we just left them.

More News From Door County!

For some reason on some browsers, this post doesn't come out right... Please scroll down to see it. Thanks!

I am so tired, I can't not even begin to describe just how tired I am. We've had the boys with us since Thursday. I've had two doctor's appointments this week, so I've driven from Sturgeon Bay to Milwaukee and back twice this week -- once on Wednesday and once on Friday. I feel as if I really haven't had a vacation, but I'm not going to complain. I have another appointment tomorrow morning. If all goes well, nevermind, let's not get a head of ourselves. Anyway, today we took the boys to a place called The Farm. I don't know who had more fun, us or them! Here are just some of the pictures. We have more to post... Enjoy!
Come on, Grandma! Get dressed! Let's go!
Wait up, Nana! I'm ready to go!
Alex is raring to go!
Let's go!

Two Rivers, WI

Today I had to leave my wife and two grandchildren to travel from Door County to Milwaukee for yet another doctor appointment.  On my way back to Door County, I traveled through Two Rivers, WI.  Two Rivers is such a small little town that if you blinked you'd probably miss it.  But, it's pretty with a nice high school and a lot of tourist type places.  It's the kind of town that flies flags from nearly every porch and everyone knows everyone else -- along with their business.  It's the kind of place, from what I saw driving thru, that you wish you could raise your kids in.  The kind of place where Ozzie and Harriet probably still live.

While driving through town the other day, Cheryl and I wondered just why the majority of the flags were at half-staff, but we're on vacation, so we figured we missed some big news item.  Today, I saw why.  According to a sign at a local bank, SGT. Shaun Novak was killed in Iraq.  When I saw the sign -- noticing it only because I had been caught at the light -- it took my breath away.  A whole town has lowered their flags to honor one of their own.  Feeling lucky that my son arrived back from Iraq safe and sound, I felt for the Novaks.  I wondered what they must feel.

Then, I passed the high school and saw another sign flashing an honor to the fallen soldier.  This one stated his birthday.  I didn't catch the date, but I caught the year, 1985.  The year that I graduated from high school this young man was born and now he's gone, killed in a War being fought so far away.  This time, I didn't have my breath taken away, this time real tears flowed down my cheeks for a young man I never met and for his parents and family.

I saw another sign that said, God Bless the Novaks.  So, I'm going to end today's blog with nothing more than those four words.  No rant, no rave, just a simple:

God Bless the Novaks.

World Trade Center...

In less than a week it will be five years since that horrible day when terrorists attacked us and did what no one thought anyone could do -- take down the World Trade Center. What the terrorists wanted to happen, didn't happen. America, the land of the free and home of the brave, didn't fall apart, we didn't disintegrate, we haven't failed.

But, with the memory of that day feeling like it was just yesterday, I feel it is too soon to go to the movies and watch the real terror the World Trade Center victims felt. Yeah, I like Nicolas Cage, but, even though I think the movie has a happy ending, I just can't go watch him in this film. The happy ending didn't happen for a lot of families and I don't think I want to see it on screen. I wonder if this is how people felt about Pearl Harbor?

I saw a survey result that stated that Pearl Harbor doesn't resoniate with people today, as 9/11 has. Not many of us stop on December 1 and think of those who died there. But, I'll bet 99% of us will stop on 9/11 and think about those who died in New York, Washington DC and on Flight 93.

God Bless